A few weeks ago, as part of what has turned into a summer of SCARF, I wrote on Worthy Work about relatedness from Dr Rock's framework:
Oh, that's my brain!
The best thing about learning something new is recognizing it in action. Here's what I mean: this week, I worked from a different office than the one I usually visit—and the foe vibes were strong!
Foe vibes: lack of hellos, sideways glances, intentional ignoring of your presence, general avoidance ...
I work for the same company as these people! They are not foes! Foe vibes should not be present. Especially unintentional foe vibes. In fact, I saw many of these people interacting with each other with smiles. No foe vibes there. But that's their brains.
Just as our brains classify a situation as potentially threatening or rewarding, they do the same with the people around us: subconsciously determining if a person is friend ... or a foe ... and people who are unfamiliar tend to be automatically labeled foes.
As I wrote in that post, foe vibes are a completely normal (and expected!) social interaction between people who are unfamiliar with each other.
It's a month later. And I recently walked into that same office again. But this time was different. Because my expectations had been managed.
Same office. Same people. Better experience.
I said hi to folks. They said hi back. I had conversations with a few. And I even went to coffee with a colleague I was getting to know.
That shift wasn't about changing the situation—it was about managing my expectations. And it turns out: expectations are a powerful force shaping your experience at work (and in life). What I experienced between those two visits happens to all of us. We just don't usually notice it.
Expectations are how your brain pays attention to possible rewards or threats before they happen. And they're not neutral predictions. Expectations change how you perceive reality and alter your brain chemistry in the process. When you expect something and it doesn't happen, your brain doesn't just register disappointment, it activates the same threat response as physical pain.
Here's what's happening: your brain's dopamine system fires not just when good things happen, but when you expect good things to happen. Positive expectations increase dopamine levels, which improves your ability to focus and stay in that open, curious state that makes you better at your job.
But then: unmet expectations cause dopamine levels to crash. That promised promotion that doesn't materialize? The colleague calling in sick that doubles your workload? Your brain experiences these as genuine threats, diverting cognitive resources away from thinking clearly and toward the threat response.
Even small unmet expectations can lead to an emotional response, like when someone doesn't show up to your meeting or when you don't receive the email response you were expecting.
And every time reality falls short of expectations, you're not just dealing with the practical problem, you're managing your brain's threat response to the missed expectation itself.
This explains why that surprise bonus feels better than an expected raise, even if the bonus is smaller. Why the unexpected smooth shift feels so much better than the planned smooth shift that hits three snags. Why the difficult case that goes better than expected feels so much better than the easy case that takes longer than anticipated. Your brain isn't just processing the outcome—it's processing the expectation-reality differential.
Managing expectations isn't lowering your standards. It's understanding how your brain processes the gap between what you expect and what happens so you can think more clearly and experience less unnecessary stress.
(Key point I want to highlight: If you have an expectation of another person, better to make it a shared standard, one that you've agreed to collectively. Managing expectations is about managing your emotional response to uncontrollable factors, not attempting to manage the behavior of another person to a standard they're unaware of.)
Here are three ways to work with expectations:
Notice what you're expecting. Start directing attention to your expectations. What are you expecting from that meeting? From your manager's response to your proposal? From how busy your shift will be? Naming your expectations reduces their power to derail you.
Set expectations slightly lower. It's strategic, not defeatist. When you consciously decrease what you expect, you give your dopamine system room to be pleasantly surprised instead of repeatedly disappointed. Getting the pleasant surprise beats dealing with the disappointment.
Focus on expectations you know will be met. Your brain gets the same reward from expecting something good as from experiencing something good. Think about looking forward to vacation: the anticipation itself releases dopamine and improves your mood, sometimes more than the actual trip. This is why looking forward to something can feel so energizing—your brain treats "this good thing is coming" as if the good thing is already happening. So when you're managing a difficult period, consciously direct attention toward positive expectations that are more likely to happen. The weekend. The project deadline that actually looks achievable. The colleague you know will follow through.
I used all three as I walked into that office on this most recent visit. The foe vibes were still present. I expected the social awkwardness, so when it showed up, my brain didn't interpret it as a problem to solve or a threat to monitor. My prefrontal cortex had the resources it needed to engage with people instead of defending against them.
That's the power of working with your brain. And the skill of managing expectations extends far beyond awkward office visits.
Your experience of work (and life)—and your ability to do it well—is shaped as much by what you expect to happen as by what actually does. The situations you'll face today are mostly outside your control. Your expectations about them? Entirely yours.
